3 Hard Eucharisteos

307. "God is trying to teach me something." This is what I said to the Husband today when I came home from Ladies Bible Study. I know what He wants me to learn.... I just keep regressing. Why is that? Why is it so hard to change? I could say it's because I'm 60 years old and I'm too old to learn new... but, I was this hard to teach while in my 20's. 30's. 40's. 50's. (sigh)  I just need to get over myself. I had no idea going from being the minister's wife to a normal church member would be so hard. I KNOW... crazy isn't it. I just need to get over myself.

308. Watching the news reports of tragedies like the Boston Marathon, Newtown, 9 11, Murrah Building, and on and on. It's hard to watch our world spiral downward. I pray, I cry, I'm ashamed to say I'm not as shocked by these atrocities as I once was. I heard a newswoman say just last week "This type of news has become the normal."  I pray to my God that none of this becomes normal to me, to my heart. I want what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable to be the normal. Surely, even a non-believer can look at these characteristics and see how this type of normal world would be much better.

Murrah Building April 19, 1995

 

309. I have an expectation of myself. I want to be kind. But sometimes my mouth opens and out comes these words that are anything but kind. I continually ask God to cleanse my heart, my mouth, my life - to be what He expects me to be.

                    Search me, O God, and know my heart today;

                    Try me, O Savior, Know my thoughts I pray.

                    See if there be some wicked way in me;

                    Cleanse me from every sin and set me free.

                                                                  J. Edwin Orr

This first verse of "Cleanse Me" is a perfect prayer for me.

                    

3 Hard Eucharisteos

214.  When I met and married Randy it made me a very happy woman. But in doing so, I had to leave my home. In leaving my home, I felt as if I was leaving my youngest, Jonathan. I still struggle with that. Jonathan moved further south for his first "real" job as an adult and I came north. Now, realistically, I know he had already left home, had already moved away, but I often still feel as if I were the one who left. But in all this, I give thanks. God has plans for me.   God has plans for Jonathan.

We both need haircuts! 

And Jay is sick in this pic!

215.  Do you love your church? I love the people in my small Oklahoma Church.  You just can't find better people! But in moving, I also gave up that fellowship of believers for a new group of brothers and sisters!  This has been hard for me. For the first time - I'm not the "minister's" wife. I'm also in a different "denomination." But I am adjusting. God is growing me in this hard eucharisteo. He is showing me - well just so many things I can't list them all! But He is with me, He is faithful.

My Oklahoma Church

My New Church

  

216. I have never been bothered by my age. As I've grown older - it wasn't something that concerned me. However, my knee hurts.  My elbow hurts.My arm often hurts.... It has been said to me before, "Once you turn 60, you start falling apart!"  I'm beginning to understand this. I ran in a 5K in 2009. In 2010, I hurt my knee. I haven't been able to run since. The doctor told me I may have tennis elbow. As the pain often runs down my arm, it could be carpel tunnel.. Who knows? I just know I have aches and pains I didn't have before and that has been hard for me to be thankful for. But I am trying to find the good in this, too. God has a plan. God is faithful.

3 Hard Eucharisteos

Finding thanks in the hard things of life...

November 26, 1961

121.  My small church in Oklahoma just wore out. All the members were older, the minister resigned and after much prayer, much thought, much agonizing, these beautiful, wonderful members decided to close their doors. This was one of the hardest times of my life but I was and am so very thankful that I had an opportunity to share in the lives of these people. Jonathan rang the church bell every Sunday after services until he went away to college. Then Jackson was living with us and he took over that responsibility until he went to live with his Mom. Then I took over this blessing! The day they sold the building at auction, before I left, I rang the bell one last time. Beautiful memories in that old building.

122. Going through a divorce after 37 years of marriage was another hard time in my life. When my marriage ended, I also lost my life long minister. That was a double blow. I determined to let God get me through these times and let Him give me the courage of Joshua and the grace and dignity of Esther. He provided. He blessed me tremendously. He helped me get through a "mess" while holding my head up high. I am so thankful for what He taught me during these bleak years. - and so very thankful for His blessings.

My Mom and Dad before their 50th wedding anniversary in 2007

123.  At 1:07am I awaken, hearing the muted sound of my parents voices through the wall.  Then I hear her walker as he helps her down the hall. I want to get up to help but I know they need to do this by themselves. I'm leaving tomorrow today. "Help me Lord to find joy in this. Help me to find your peace." 

At 1:43 things quiet down again. I have reached that time in my life. Children worrying caring for parents. I've heard about it for years. Helped with my Mother-in-law, Anne. But now it's my turn. All of our lives have been changed by that one fall. The one that broke her hip.

As I think  pray through this "gift hard" - I realize that thanksgiving - grace - joy can't be just this isolated instance of life with my parents but this life as a whole.

  

My story with my Mom begins H.E.R.E at this blog and it's been a gift  hard from that point.

I'm so thankful for my story with my Mom. With my Dad. I'm who I am today because of the foundational years from them.

And I would be very remiss if I left out my Thanksgiving for my brother and his wonderful wife - who became my sister when they married.


(This "Hard Eucharisteos" was first published in November of 2012. But once I decided to begin the joy-dare with 2013 I realized my gift - hard is the same and so chose to share it again.)